Tuesday, January 31, 2006

The Perfect Penis

Last night's Channel Four documentary on the 'Perfect Penis' turned out to be both disappointing and bizarre. How can a program entitled the 'Perfect Penis' turn into a parade of the most grotesque distortions of the the penis ever seen on television? Of course, the program was actually about the 'search for...' the perfect penis and therefore felt justified delving into the most extreme manifestations of penile enhancement. This included the rather sad story of "Mister Mark" - star of extremecock.org, whose passion was for every increasing silicone implants into his penis and testicles until the result was something like a vast and ugly looking vegetable incapable of penetrative sex - his testicles measuring 24" (that's 2 feet!) around. Whilst he tried vainly to couch this 'odyssey' in terms of performance art/body modification/societal challenge, it was clear that this was little more than the outworking of psychological malfunction. The end of the program informed us that he was seriously ill with doctors unsure if he had a serious pneumonia or a silicone embolism.

But it did make me think on what a 'perfect penis' actually is. I'd hate to speculate on perfection but there are some qualities - notably absent from discussion in the program which I think, IMHO, make a great dick stand out from the crowd.

Let's get the size thing out of the way first... Size does matter, but I suspect not quite in the way that it is always thought about. We are now told that girth is as important as length. I'm not sure this is strictly true. What I look for in penile size is more to do with a combination of the two - a quality we might call 'heft'. I think I would prefer to weigh penises than to measure them. Wouldn't that be cool on all the dating and sex sites if people had to give a figure in pounds not inches! Again, even more important than sheer quantity, in weight or length, is 'proportion' - a good penis is in nice proportion to the body it springs from and to the balls that hang beneath it. A good penis is not one that looks so outlandish that it seems 'stuck on' to its owner.

There are other qualities I like too. The angle of erection. There's something about a more than 45 degree stand that gives a cock an air of excitment and energy. The skin quality is important too: a good cock is one which fills its own skin - not to bursting - but to a taught, soft, velvety strechedness. Hair! I don't think there's any necessary requirement to shave hair but a good penis is never lost in a wild tangle, not is it mounted on a clean-shaved pubis unless that pubic bone is clearly hard and flat and not mounded by fat. There's something about darker pubic hair too which, if not carefully managed, can make a penis and balls seem dirty - and who wants to chow down on a cock which has hair growing three-quarters of the way up the shaft.

The perfect shape is more difficult to define but again it has to do with proportion and balance. The 'mushroom head' is interesting but not pretty. The 'greek vase point' is worrying... In shape I would like to see a penis which is straight or only finely curved, has a head in proportion to the width of the cock and where that soft underside tube is nicely defined in erection...

These are surely some of the things which go towards defining a 'good penis' and whilst there may be no such thing as a perfect penis, wouldn't it have made a more interesting TV program?

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